Loving Memory

It has been a few months since my Grandma has passed away. Spring was her favorite time of year and I see memories of her when I am out in the garden when, I am shopping at her favorite places, when I am out traveling and think of the phone calls we shared. For those who have lost a loved one, you can understand the tumult of emotions that come and go as one realizes you will never see that loved one again in this life. I have so much happiness for my Grandma, I know she is once again happy and with her family and sweetheart. My Grandma was an orphan and so she had to endure more things than others. But she was a strong vivacious woman who was with it until the end. She left this world on her terms. She made peace with the world and with those who did not do right by her. She had one daughter who unfortunately let anger creep into her heart. She and her family lost out on so many memories and healing that could have taken place. This family had a daughter who committed suicide (my Grandma's granddaughter). Unbeknownst to her family this granddaughter would come and see my grandma and on occasion my family. I know with every fiber of my being that my Grandma and my cousin are up there having a long discussion. I have so many memories of my Grandma, my Mum made it a priority to have Grandma in our lives and that made all the difference. It was not always easy but in the end, my family didn't have to stay away because of imagined offenses, we were able to have loving memories with a woman who was the glue of the family. A woman who loved broken things and wanted to fix them, who loved animals, who always had a welcoming home to anyone in need, who loved to garden and always had some exotic plant in her garden, a woman who had a love for the Gospel and up until a few weeks before her death a fire in her to do her family history work. My grandma loved music, she lead church choirs, she loved to draw and always had some kind of sewing project, art project going on with music (oldies) or Rush Limbaugh in the background. One of the first memories I have is being in the flower shop she and my Mum owned in Southern California. I remember the smells of all the different flowers, the chill of the refrigerators; the giggles when I and my sister were allowed to poke holes and pour water into the scraps of oasis and make our own "arrangements." My grandma loved Dotsons though she had a few other types of dogs, her favorite were those long-bodied, big-pawed dogs. I remember she loved going on car rides when she and my mum would come visit me when I was at college. As I said earlier, my Mum always made it a priority for my Grandma to be in our lives. I do not remember a time when my family didn't go to Grandma's for Sunday dinner, talking, watching old reruns, snuggling under one of her blankets. My Grandma was my confidant when the dynamics changed in our family and my Aunt Uncle and cousins pulled away due to some imaginary offense; my family grew closer to my Grandma. Some days during the week, I would go over there during the last five years and we would spend my hour lunch together talking about life, love, family, genealogy, scripture, old stories of her past etc. I cherish those with all of my heart. This is a bittersweet time as my sister put it. Because my Grandma didn't go before her time and lived a long full vivacious life, I am happy for her that she is no more dealing with the weight of this life. But I am sad because there are no more memories to be made with her in this life. No more trips to the store watching her sift through aisles, no more hearing her say "It's ok baby," and no more shouting goodbye from the car and watching her wave from her doorway as we drive off. More than anything I am so grateful I will never have to the regret of saying "I wish I had..." instead I will be able to say "I remember when..." in regards to all the memories I have with Grandma. She will be missed in this life but I am happy she is reunited with my grandpa and other family members.